Alan Turing Was A Cyborg

This is a picture of Alan Turing. Alan Turing was a robot. Or a cyborg, or a cylon, or whatthefuckever. The important thing to keep in mind is that he had a supercomputer for a brain, and his junk was made out of titanium. He used one of these things for killing Nazis, and the other for making sweet, sweet love to other dudes. That's right, Alan Turing was a homosexual Nazi killer. You heard it here first.

The second-person pronoun is important in this sense, because everyone in 1952 already knew that Alan Turing was both these things. Or perhaps we should say that people in 1952 knew that he was both these things, but couldn't manage to believe them both simultaneously. Insofar as he was a genius cryptanalyst, mathematician, and computer scientist, he was one the most important figures in the Allies' efforts to end the War. After the war he went on to invent the modern computing algorithms, most of which are still still used to this day. Insofar as he was homosexual, he was a mentally ill degenerate who needed to be cured. After being outed, Turing was convicted under the Criminal Law Amendment Act 1885, which, as we remember from our English surveys, was the law that got Oscar Wilde.

To recognize Turing's great service to the free world, England chemically castrated him and stripped him of his government post in the cryptology labs. Then they suspected him of working for the Communists because, let's face it, the Communists were a nation of class-conscious homosexuals. Turing offed himself a few years later. No one knows why...

Some say it was the castration. Some say it was the bitch tits he grew as a result. Some say it was the ghost of Hitler come to seek his bloody revenge. Me? I say Turing never died at all. I say he's still wandering across the prairie, hat hung low, thumb jetting out toward the highway. How many of our great puzzles has his mind made small? Which one of us could even say? The ol' cowboy -- he doesn't speak much these days. Instead he fingers his iron junk, daring us make the same mistake twice.






Alan Turing, (pictured above)
with his Communist boyfriend
Corneliusnakoff.